i went about this all wrong.

i made you think that you were holding me back from my dream. you aren’t holding me back. how can the very thing that makes me happy, hold me back from being happy?

my grades, school, volleyball, everything i do, those are my security blanket. those are my way of ensuring that i have my spot in the future, that i am safe and successful, financially secure and physically healthy.

but my dream? no, those aren’t my dream. they don’t really bring me happiness i hate school, i hate working, i love volleyball when it’s worth it, but most of the time it isn’t. i only do those things because i know that they’ll help me achieve the best life that i can have. they will make me safe. they’re my way of achieving the best for myself so i end up okay. i know i need to do them to get to a good place. my dad always tells me, “there’s only two kinds of problems in this world: if it hurts you physically, and if it costs you money. if it isn’t either of those, it ain’t a problem.” i just want to make sure i get the most out of everything that’s been given me. these are the things i need.

you are my dream. you make me happy. i’m scared you won’t get what is best for you because of the kind of life you’ve had to live, and that because of that, you’ll hold me back from having stability in the future. that’s all it is, though. you aren’t holding me back from my dream because you are my dream. having you to share my life with is what i want. yes, i want stability, but to take it over being happy someday? no, i don’t think so. that’s selling myself short. i want to be happy and safe, not just safe. and i want the very same for you. you could never hold me back from what i want because everything i want is with you.